Chemo-24 yesterday - Bouts of depression and renewed vigour

...I would not comprehend the meaning of loneliness since she was always present with me. When I was emotionally down one day, when the entire world around me seemed to divide me into innumerable pieces, I locked myself into a deep thick shell of mine. I would not allow anyone to touch that shell of mine and the shell would not be broken by any one else except its creator. It had no doors, no windows or any other apertures for any one else to peep into. It was the sole creation of mine with stones of my silence, walls of my intense thoughts and layers of serious introspection. Nonetheless, she suddenly could make her way into my own shell! I shouted at her, “How on this shell could you make an entry? It is mine and no one else’.” She replied with a coy smile, “I have no form. I have no body. I have no limits. Reasoning cannot touch me and so does your limited mind. No one can stop this ever-turning wheel of destiny that is created by me. You are but a part of that whole and not the whole. The world needs the creators of the shells like this, but not the shells; for, these shells would add to the disorder of the cosmos and thus would never be the liking of the God. You think you are trapped in this shell cutting down all the communication with the outside world. But then how do you make yourself cut-off from a world that is inside you? Don’t you see that world of yours that is slow in its working compared to its outer counterpart? Don’t you see the world inside you that is so simple in its awesome complexity? Don’t you see the world here with you that is incomplete without any connection with the outside entities? You think your own world is too complex to live. But anything seemingly simple should be obviously complex inside. No one until now could live only with this inside world. Because it simply cannot exist in vacuum. If you make yourself close to your inner world then it does mean that you acknowledge its presence, which is absolutely essential for its existence. If you think that you cannot face the realities of the outside world, then it is preposterous. For, then only you can appreciate the value of your inner world more. Do you think that darkness simply exists because it should exist as per the laws of nature? No, it exists to elevate the importance of the light. Do you think that bad things simply exist because they should exist as per the moral laws? No, they exist to make you appreciate the good things. The particle and its anti form should co-exist so that the Universe would stay in harmony. And this does not mean that you should take an abominable attitude towards one for the other. You might switch the minds between them but ultimately you should learn that you should live midway between them. This is the perspective that you need to ingrain in your mind.”

That was the time I decided to break the shell and never did I have a chance to break it again.

Once I asked her,"Why do I always feel disgruntled whenever I think with my heart and feel with my mind rather than think with my mind and feel with heart?" She simply replied, “Because you just feel more and think less!" That crisp combination of words made me think again on the meaning of life. The moments of loneliness, matters of deprivation and minutes of vapidity were sprinkled in this life as though they were natural ingredients of that. She said, “It all lies in your state of mind!" My state of mind had been the same over its period of existence, and I wish it would be the same for ever; for, that was the state that made me, defined me and created me; that was the state that would take my form into a limitless disposition of self-brooding; that was the state that makes me what I have been...

[An excerpt from my essay titled Living Lonely, 2003]

***

The state of experience from last week's hospitalization was still fresh in my mind. With a little anxiety, I reached the hospital, thinking about the blood counts and the day's chemo infusion experiences. The hospital lobby was as usual crowded and the staff was in day's brisk business. When would be this world free from cancer?

***

The day's blood test results showed an improvement from the last week's numbers, though not a good improvement. The WBC count was just enough to go ahead and have Cetuximab. The rashes on my face were becoming prominent because of this drug.

***

I got the worst moments of despondency during the chemo suffusion after really a long time. Unknown anxiety and apprehensive thoughts persisted for a long time until I again started infusing some positive thoughts into my mind. I visualized the kind of world that I wanted to live in - a small but beautiful world. The world in which I - I alone - live singing, dancing, writing, reading and just looking at the lush greenery which is the lone companion to me. Free from worries and living with my own self. Beauty needs to be felt from within before the senses are drawn to the outside horizons. The wonderful world is within. And I started loving it.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- From the poem, The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

Chemo-23 - A saga of low blood counts!

Last Monday, when the usual day's blood test reports came out, I was shocked to see the WBC count! It was 0.8! This was the lowest ever number recorded in my entire history of the disease. I was eager to meet my doctor and want to hear from her on the reasons and her thoughts. And, when I finally met her, I could only see a modest surprise in her face and got no particular reason from her for the sudden and steep drop in the blood count! (See the attached chart for a perspective!)

She had no other option than to get me admitted into the hospital and to take me through the anti-biotic regimen along with a blood improvement medication through Neupogen shots for at least two days, before the regular chemo is administered.

It was thus another ordeal - physical and mental - for me to go through the entire corrective mechanism for the blood improvement and then yesterday (Tuesday), when the blood count improved to 1.47, the regular chemo drug suffused through my body, I got relieved!

***

The low blood counts in the body usually induces in me lots of weird feelings - dizziness, weakness, loss of appetite, feverishness, body aches, etc. - which restrict my mobility and thus make me feel really sick! :( I always tell myself whenever this happens: "There cannot be a low further lower than this! So, wake up!" And, I try to visualize the beauty in this world - all the beautiful things, feelings, thoughts - that really make me smile and help me ignore the powerful fact that I carry one of the most deadliest diseases in this world! After all, I will have a life, and I want to live that fully. With bloody vengeance!

***

The two-day pre-monsoon showers in Bangalore were pretty wonderful to feel. A visual treat. I watched out through the window with the tiny drops of water lazily falling off on the surface as though they were reluctant to leave the source. The moist pane on the other side beckons me to scribble on it something. Some doodling. The pigeons settled on the window's seat-board to protect themselves from the drizzle, occasionally poking the glass with their beaks as though they wanted to connect with me! I watched the drizzle, doodled and visualized the images for the beautiful melody on my radio. Flowers in the distance were dancing to the tune of the rains! Trees did not stop waving too! Where flowers bloom so does hope! What a dazzling beauty Mother Nature manifests herself through.

As I ventured to the wood,
I stopped to draw on dewy air; let
Droplets shimmer in my hair, that
Rested on my tranquil head – as
If a sense of cosy bed.

As I ventured to the wood,
A gesturing cuckoo perched above,
And then in song with cooing dove,
‘You're welcome’, bade he, ’enter please –
To roam our land with gentle breeze.’

As I ventured to the wood,
A dazzling flower waved her face
In blazing show of dance and chase, and
Reddened bright in shade of dawn, she
Flirted like a prancing fawn.

As I ventured to the wood,
A butterfly had graced my arm,
And knowing I bid him no harm, he
Splayed for me hypnotic wing in
Colors for to urge me sing!

As I ventured to the wood,
The radiant sun shone down on me.
He flushed and beamed: ‘I say to thee,
You bless your land; be filled with pride, and
Cherish e’er yon countryside! ’

[Adapted from: Succumbed to Thinking by Mark Raymond Slaughter]

Chemo-22 yesterday - Love for Life

I watched her dance for more than half-an-hour. Her mudras, expressions in her eyes, nimble movements matching the mellowed music made me lost in a world of unknown joy. It was as though I was lost in time and pacing up towards a new horizon. After a long pause, over a coffee, she offered me a book with vintage photographs of dancers of yesteryear. I browsed through a couple of pages. I did not notice that she had been noticing my eyes until I raised mine and glanced her with a sigh of inner satisfaction. "I think you are trying to connect to the art deeply", she quipped intently. "Am I?" I blurted out as though some one caught my moods instantly, after a brief embarrassing pause. I closed the book and walked towards the wide balcony that overlooked the city's skyline punctuated with a streams of greenery. I just felt the cool breezes of the late evening. Does art touch my heart? Why does it make me still inside? Does it stall my world for some time? What is its power that amazingly have a numbing effect on my external senses? I lost in my own array of thoughts when I felt her beside me with her hand around my waist and head leaning on my shoulder. I could feel the dance of her strand of hair on my neck. I preferred not to move since I wanted that feel of dance from her. Every part of her. I extended my hand on her waist. The Sun went behind the clouds as though He wanted to let us have our private world amidst the gentle breezes. Moments later, she left me and stood leaning against the railing looking at me intensely as though she was searching for some unknown images in my eyes of the vast expanse of the scenery before me. I smiled at her. She reciprocated gently. "I do not know what I love you for", she blushed. I smiled again as though I was waiting for a better answer for her own question. "But I do, really. I mean it." She took my hand, caressed it for a while after planting a gentle kiss on it. I took her in my arms and stood there. For long enough to let my heart talk to hers. Lump in throat. Arcs of tears in the corners of eyes. Clouds of happiness.

***

A good night's sleep revved up my moods on Monday morning preparing me for another session of chemotherapy. The day's moods were wonderful until I got to feel a mild and a brief dizziness associated with the suffusion of the chemotherapy drugs in my blood. The day's blood test showed improved blood counts (see the spike in the attached chart) and the weather salubrious. Oh, what a day it was!

***

My doctor, Dr.Niti, attended me when I was in my bed waiting for the standard regimen of medicines to be infused. She looked satisfied with the tolerance of my body towards the cruel therapy! And, only worry apparently for her was the presence of rashes on my face for which she simply commented,"He is sensitive to the medicine!" :) It had been quite a while since I saw my doctor. I usually look at the level of confidence in her eyes for my position and gauge the situation for myself and for my disease. It was a nice feeling to see the normality in her eyes. Elated!

***

"But the hospital records show you are married!", commented Ms.D'souza, the clinical psychologist, to my answer that I am now not in married status! I was meeting her for the first time in my entire spell of the treatment! Her smile was infectious and her eyes were beaming with a faint radiance as though she just had had a revelation!

"Oh, you s-e-parated?", her voice almost murmured in a hush.

It was a sort of an embarrassing moment for me. For the first time in a long period, I was forced to rub the wound that I was trying to ignore, forget and forgive in my emotional space. I was not used to the kind of reaction that I was expected to express for this disconcerting question on a personal issue that left me scarred and wounded for a long and tough time.

"Yes!", I responded in the similar hush. A well thought out and cautious response that was as though I was trying to defend my self from the hurt that it caused.

Ms.D'souza left me at that apparently sensing the economy of my guarded response. She then proceeded on a familiar turf of positive reinforcements that I had to have at these tough times. I listened to her intently not to disturb her train of thoughts and finally she returned after listening to my reassuring words for self and after seeing my stop-worrying-start-living attitude!

***

The standard regimen followed with the nursing staff attending to me in their usual business. The infusion of Irinotecan for around three hours was a bit boring time and made me sleep for a while. The sudden humidity in the ward woke me up and made me to listen to the conversations from the neighborhood on the vagaries of the chemotherapy and other corrective treatments for the suffering patients.

This time, last year, was the most tumultuous phase of my disease with excruciating pain and indescribable suffering. I moved to the current phase of improving quality of life with vengeance and change of attitude with the external support system of family and friends and the internal system of spiritual and psychological discipline. The way forward would probably tough, but I am all geared up to accept the life as it is and to take the challenges in my own way. I wanted to scream to the sufferers that this phase too shall pass and every one of them will live life royally!

***

It was almost 8:30 PM when I plopped down in the back seat of the cab revving towards my home. I almost was lost in my plans for the next few days - meeting a college mate who had flown in from Hyderabad for an official trip, having a get-together with other college mates in the honor of the visiting friend, taking my nephews and nieces to Coffee Day's local outlet, buying the writing paraphernalia including a set of ink pens, a good pen stand and couple of writing sheets, shopping for summer kurtas, completing the book that I am currently reading, catching up with a Kolkata colleague on phone on his impending trip to US and replying to a loving message in Facebook from an old friend.

Amid the beaming radio voices, I could hear her words, "Are you worried?"

Surprised at the sudden question, I replied,"Why, no!"

"I feel great for you." Her simple answer for my reply after a brief moment of pause.

Khaamosh, ai dil! bharii mehfil mein chillaanaa nahiin achchhaa,
adab pahalaa qariinaa hai mohabbat ke qariinon mein
- Mohammad Iqbal

I looked out of the partly downed window. The flowers in the traffic islands smiled and waved at me. I smiled at them, they shook their petals for me. One of them dropped to touch the moist grass below sensitively. With love. And care. Hitherto unknown. What a world. Oh! what a beauty!