Chemo-24 yesterday - Bouts of depression and renewed vigour

...I would not comprehend the meaning of loneliness since she was always present with me. When I was emotionally down one day, when the entire world around me seemed to divide me into innumerable pieces, I locked myself into a deep thick shell of mine. I would not allow anyone to touch that shell of mine and the shell would not be broken by any one else except its creator. It had no doors, no windows or any other apertures for any one else to peep into. It was the sole creation of mine with stones of my silence, walls of my intense thoughts and layers of serious introspection. Nonetheless, she suddenly could make her way into my own shell! I shouted at her, “How on this shell could you make an entry? It is mine and no one else’.” She replied with a coy smile, “I have no form. I have no body. I have no limits. Reasoning cannot touch me and so does your limited mind. No one can stop this ever-turning wheel of destiny that is created by me. You are but a part of that whole and not the whole. The world needs the creators of the shells like this, but not the shells; for, these shells would add to the disorder of the cosmos and thus would never be the liking of the God. You think you are trapped in this shell cutting down all the communication with the outside world. But then how do you make yourself cut-off from a world that is inside you? Don’t you see that world of yours that is slow in its working compared to its outer counterpart? Don’t you see the world inside you that is so simple in its awesome complexity? Don’t you see the world here with you that is incomplete without any connection with the outside entities? You think your own world is too complex to live. But anything seemingly simple should be obviously complex inside. No one until now could live only with this inside world. Because it simply cannot exist in vacuum. If you make yourself close to your inner world then it does mean that you acknowledge its presence, which is absolutely essential for its existence. If you think that you cannot face the realities of the outside world, then it is preposterous. For, then only you can appreciate the value of your inner world more. Do you think that darkness simply exists because it should exist as per the laws of nature? No, it exists to elevate the importance of the light. Do you think that bad things simply exist because they should exist as per the moral laws? No, they exist to make you appreciate the good things. The particle and its anti form should co-exist so that the Universe would stay in harmony. And this does not mean that you should take an abominable attitude towards one for the other. You might switch the minds between them but ultimately you should learn that you should live midway between them. This is the perspective that you need to ingrain in your mind.”

That was the time I decided to break the shell and never did I have a chance to break it again.

Once I asked her,"Why do I always feel disgruntled whenever I think with my heart and feel with my mind rather than think with my mind and feel with heart?" She simply replied, “Because you just feel more and think less!" That crisp combination of words made me think again on the meaning of life. The moments of loneliness, matters of deprivation and minutes of vapidity were sprinkled in this life as though they were natural ingredients of that. She said, “It all lies in your state of mind!" My state of mind had been the same over its period of existence, and I wish it would be the same for ever; for, that was the state that made me, defined me and created me; that was the state that would take my form into a limitless disposition of self-brooding; that was the state that makes me what I have been...

[An excerpt from my essay titled Living Lonely, 2003]

***

The state of experience from last week's hospitalization was still fresh in my mind. With a little anxiety, I reached the hospital, thinking about the blood counts and the day's chemo infusion experiences. The hospital lobby was as usual crowded and the staff was in day's brisk business. When would be this world free from cancer?

***

The day's blood test results showed an improvement from the last week's numbers, though not a good improvement. The WBC count was just enough to go ahead and have Cetuximab. The rashes on my face were becoming prominent because of this drug.

***

I got the worst moments of despondency during the chemo suffusion after really a long time. Unknown anxiety and apprehensive thoughts persisted for a long time until I again started infusing some positive thoughts into my mind. I visualized the kind of world that I wanted to live in - a small but beautiful world. The world in which I - I alone - live singing, dancing, writing, reading and just looking at the lush greenery which is the lone companion to me. Free from worries and living with my own self. Beauty needs to be felt from within before the senses are drawn to the outside horizons. The wonderful world is within. And I started loving it.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- From the poem, The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost